Ooh this one resonates. Professionally I’ve had to learn the difference between being nice and being fair - the first feels great and feeds the ego and wonderfully - the second is more just but does upset people sometimes
Another excellent piece of writing and again one which has really made me reflect. The people pleasing resonates with me too and I suspect it would with a vast percentage of the population. My question then is why people pleasing as a trait is so widespread. It must serve us in some fairly profound way else, from an evolutionary perspective, it would have died out. Is it just, as you intimate, our brain's protection mechanism keeping us safe and stopping us from facing our fears/tackling risky things. Or do we just fundamentally as a species need others to survive and people pleasing has survived as the best strategy? I don't know the answer but in the spirit of not being too people pleasing, I thought I'd raise the question!
Thanks so much for this. Brilliant question. Lots to ponder.
Perhaps the People Pleasing Survival Mechanism certainly makes sense for 'the first half of life.' As in, it is probably essential for surviving childhood. Which was (sadly) our main task - but possibly came at quite a cost to our deeper, truer, selves. And, what was necessary for childhood isn't always beneficial for adulthood - which isn't so much about survival and reproduction, but about wisdom, creativity and meaning (I mean, why else are The Evolutionary Gods keeping us alive so long? Long after we are of any obvious reproductive and child-rearing utility?). And in this light, my complex childhood People Pleasing rituals can be highly self-sabotaging for the task of 'the second half.' In my experience, these rituals, and beliefs, are often rooted in fear, shame and anxiety (and not wisdom, creativity and meaning). They kept me small with the promise of being safe. That's the Covenant. And despite being a little toxic, they worked. Then. They were the rituals my Gods demanded. They were the sacrifices I needed to make to appease the potentially wrathful and rejective powers. But the True Self - the wise, creative, meaning-making part of me (my soul) - longs to soar into the mystery of a deeper, wider and fuller reality. It yearns to dance with The Gods beyond the People I Had To Please. And I am not sure there is another way of joining The Dance without letting go of a few hands, commitments, roles and rituals (and pissing a few people off in the process). 'How dare you!' they will shout. And I think that speaks to the heart of the matter. It's about Courage. But we who dares wins!
Indeed! So good. I find this often comes after overcoming trials that are much bigger than us, and in the process we shed those fears because we now can stand on the confidence of the past achievements. Quickly, people pleasing is no longer a mode of operation, but as iron sharpens the iron, so we sharpen each other in our communities.
Really interesting. Nietzsche's observation about the mistaking of fear for morality is really quite damning I think, and seems to be absolutely accurate too. This becomes quite a difficult or dangerous to contend with, honestly.
I recently came across one of his quotes; 'the most common sort of lie is that by which a man decieves himself'. As you say, we may try and convince ourselves (lie) that we are acting out of morality rather than fear. Particularly, as you note, the fear of being disliked etc. 'Niceness', then, becomes entirely habitual - we lie to ourselves about what is the correct way to act, and also set up an impossible expectation (a lie) that all the people you want to like you will like you, if you act 'nicely'. Inevitably this fails, and it leaves you feeling more miserable, and anxious of every action you take. If someone doesn't like you, that must be because you did something wrong! Surely, it can't just be the way it is, as that would be in opposition to the lie!
I must say I'd be interested to read your 12 step programme...
Thanks so much for this. Indeed, the lies will leave a sting, and the truth will begin with a sting. But the truth will set us free, and lead us to a deeper well of peace and love. I will keep you posted about the Polite People Anonymous programme!
Ooh this one resonates. Professionally I’ve had to learn the difference between being nice and being fair - the first feels great and feeds the ego and wonderfully - the second is more just but does upset people sometimes
Another excellent piece of writing and again one which has really made me reflect. The people pleasing resonates with me too and I suspect it would with a vast percentage of the population. My question then is why people pleasing as a trait is so widespread. It must serve us in some fairly profound way else, from an evolutionary perspective, it would have died out. Is it just, as you intimate, our brain's protection mechanism keeping us safe and stopping us from facing our fears/tackling risky things. Or do we just fundamentally as a species need others to survive and people pleasing has survived as the best strategy? I don't know the answer but in the spirit of not being too people pleasing, I thought I'd raise the question!
Thanks so much for this. Brilliant question. Lots to ponder.
Perhaps the People Pleasing Survival Mechanism certainly makes sense for 'the first half of life.' As in, it is probably essential for surviving childhood. Which was (sadly) our main task - but possibly came at quite a cost to our deeper, truer, selves. And, what was necessary for childhood isn't always beneficial for adulthood - which isn't so much about survival and reproduction, but about wisdom, creativity and meaning (I mean, why else are The Evolutionary Gods keeping us alive so long? Long after we are of any obvious reproductive and child-rearing utility?). And in this light, my complex childhood People Pleasing rituals can be highly self-sabotaging for the task of 'the second half.' In my experience, these rituals, and beliefs, are often rooted in fear, shame and anxiety (and not wisdom, creativity and meaning). They kept me small with the promise of being safe. That's the Covenant. And despite being a little toxic, they worked. Then. They were the rituals my Gods demanded. They were the sacrifices I needed to make to appease the potentially wrathful and rejective powers. But the True Self - the wise, creative, meaning-making part of me (my soul) - longs to soar into the mystery of a deeper, wider and fuller reality. It yearns to dance with The Gods beyond the People I Had To Please. And I am not sure there is another way of joining The Dance without letting go of a few hands, commitments, roles and rituals (and pissing a few people off in the process). 'How dare you!' they will shout. And I think that speaks to the heart of the matter. It's about Courage. But we who dares wins!
Indeed! So good. I find this often comes after overcoming trials that are much bigger than us, and in the process we shed those fears because we now can stand on the confidence of the past achievements. Quickly, people pleasing is no longer a mode of operation, but as iron sharpens the iron, so we sharpen each other in our communities.
Really interesting. Nietzsche's observation about the mistaking of fear for morality is really quite damning I think, and seems to be absolutely accurate too. This becomes quite a difficult or dangerous to contend with, honestly.
I recently came across one of his quotes; 'the most common sort of lie is that by which a man decieves himself'. As you say, we may try and convince ourselves (lie) that we are acting out of morality rather than fear. Particularly, as you note, the fear of being disliked etc. 'Niceness', then, becomes entirely habitual - we lie to ourselves about what is the correct way to act, and also set up an impossible expectation (a lie) that all the people you want to like you will like you, if you act 'nicely'. Inevitably this fails, and it leaves you feeling more miserable, and anxious of every action you take. If someone doesn't like you, that must be because you did something wrong! Surely, it can't just be the way it is, as that would be in opposition to the lie!
I must say I'd be interested to read your 12 step programme...
Thanks so much for this. Indeed, the lies will leave a sting, and the truth will begin with a sting. But the truth will set us free, and lead us to a deeper well of peace and love. I will keep you posted about the Polite People Anonymous programme!