The Unity of Opposites

Christ: The Gospel of Thomas

“When you make the two one, and when you make the inside like the outside and the outside like the inside, and the above like the below, and when you make the male and the female one and the same, so that the male not be male nor the female... then will you enter the Kingdom.”

As I mentioned in my last post, my copy of The Gospel of Thomas was a twentieth wedding anniversary present from my grandmother to my grandfather.  Perhaps this is why this wise ‘saying’ of Christ, quoted above, prompted a few ruminations on the mysteries of marriage.  And I hope, regardless of your ‘marital status’, ‘post-marital scars’, ‘pre-marital fears’, or ‘no-marital reasons’, that these personal reflections offer some insight, consolation, and hope, for traversing one of the most paradoxical of pilgrimages. 

For me, as I approach our nineteenth wedding anniversary, the sacrament of marriage has facilitated the most fertile soil for psychological, spiritual, and alchemical growth.  But it’s so important to understand that the person you marry is likely to threaten you from both sides of The Force:  The Light Side and The Dark Side.  They will hold up a mirror to who you are, and what you could be:  your best and your worst.  Both rather intimidating, in my experience.  It seems that we will seek what we wish to avoid.  Which is perhaps why marriages can be wonderfully creative and devastatingly destructive.  Hopefully both!

The conflict, contradiction, and chaos of trying to unite two opposites has the potential to bring so much illumination, imagination, and integration - ‘the kingdom’ - especially when we can see how our attractions and resentments, our light sides and our dark sides, carry profoundly powerful messages of guidance and truth.

The Light of Love

According to Plato, the reason we find something beautiful is that our souls are drawn to something it longs for.  So, the reason we find secluded beaches with white sands and still waters deeply attractive, is really because our souls desire peace, solitude, and tranquillity.  And the reason some of us find Medieval Cathedrals like York Minster so beautiful, with their spires, symmetry, and cryptic symbolism, is probably rooted in our souls’ need for transcendence, order, and mystery.  And so on.

What we find beautiful is teaching us something about what we need in order to grow.  And unless we realise this, we will keep wandering the world seeking out new attractions, either in holiday destinations, dating apps, or interior design magazines.  It is only when we can integrate and reconcile these qualities within our own character, that we will find wholeness, at-one-ment, and salvation: ‘the kingdom.’  But like the beautifully wild mountain ranges, deserts, and oceans, that provide the backdrop of our car adverts, our initial attractions soon become dangerous and demanding threats.  They require us to let go of our primal patterns of survival and security.  They ask us to leave the safe, small, and comfortable.  They will ultimately lead us to face our deepest fears.  And in this way, it is The Light Side of our partners that will be potentially more threatening than The Dark Side.

I first met my wife in a small pub in Edinburgh.  And I was immediately captivated by this wild, weird, wonder, dancing and skipping around in what looked like a fairy costume but turned out to be her actual clothes.  We ended up at a psychedelic trance night.  She doesn’t remember much about that evening.  And she certainly didn’t fancy me then.  Our eventual union turned out to be a complicated business; I was very caught up in my own spiritual quest, and my growing internal conflict with the creeds and codes of my tribe of origin.  Indeed, I think part of the attraction to my wife was that she wasn’t from my tribe (socially and spiritually).  And that element of the attraction was (and sometimes still is) a source of conflict, unrest, and pain.  It demands courage, sacrifice, and strength.  It requires disappointing others, or disappointing my wife.  And, at that time, I was a massive people pleaser and charmer.  Gosh I was good!

(Be warned:  attraction is wired with destruction.  It’s part of the chemistry.)

I was also incredibly attracted to her authenticity and individuality, which was alarmingly antithetical to some of my people pleasing performances – which proved rather problematic when it came to trying to initiate her into some of my tribe of origin’s cultic practices.  You see, another aspect of my attraction was her spirituality.  In fact, it was she who introduced me to the writings of one of my most influential teachers, Richard Rohr, who in turn introduced me to Carl Jung, who I am most grateful for.  But this spiritual authenticity in which everything belongs (Light and Dark, Spirit and Flesh, Male and Female, Infinite and Finite) was far more mystical than the evangelical charisma and glamour of my tribe.  And like many mystics, she seemed to embrace the via negativa, the cloud of unknowing, and an embracing of failure. 

I remember a church meeting for young adults in which the attraction to my wife was very much experienced by me as a threat.  You see, despite my wife being an award-winning artist, she much prefers old people and children to ‘young London creatives’.  Anyway, the leader, asked the young adults to share their dreams and ambitions.  It’s very hard to describe the vibe:  think English-Style Prosperity Gospel meets Gweneth Paltrow and Chris Martin ‘blue-skying’ their Five-Year Plan, only using words and phrases like ‘so amazing’ and ‘I just really feel it in my heart of hearts.’  And the young London creatives shared their Blue Sky Visions with sincerity, earnestness, and conviction.  I was dreading my wife’s turn!  I could feel it coming.  For I knew, despite her absolutely hating any form of public speaking, she hated public displays of bullshit even more!

‘I think we are more likely to find God in failure than in ambition,’ she said in her mild Yorkshire accent that crashed and clanged like a fallen metal offertory plate on a stone Cathedral floor.  There was an awkward silence followed by a deeply sympathetic smile (or was it a wince?) from the kind leader.  I was dying inside, wishing she could have just said something less confrontational and iconoclastic.  Of course, I now write this with utter pride, love, and admiration.  But I wanted a divorce in that moment (we might have been engaged at that time - I can’t remember – I think I tried to block it out for a long time).  There are other examples of such heroic moments of crashing and clanging around, at various parties, weddings, and holidays.  Not funerals.  She is amazing at funerals!  In her element!

But the truth will set us free.  And an honest reflection as to why these occasions prompted feelings of anger, regret, and shame, has ultimately led to me becoming more authentic, courageous, and free.  And, in turn, appreciate and love those threatful aspects of my attraction to my wife.  But they have come via difficult conversations, emotional reactions, repetitive arguments, and a lot of laughter, usually on long drives between Yorkshire and London.

I was also attracted to her emotional intelligence and introversion; and her extraordinary ability and discipline to communicate her inner life through works of art, which demand huge amounts of focus, time, and commitment.  And although, this was a source of pride, it was also intimidating for someone as flaky, unfocussed, and scatty as me.  But, of course, this attraction showed me what I needed to do.  Showed me that I want to make things.  Showed me that I want to work hard at things.  Showed me that I want to be introspective, quiet, and emotionally attuned.  Attraction is an insightful and demanding teacher!

And, of course, my wife’s attraction to me has also brought its challenges, threats, and demands.  For example, my willingness to risk and experiment disrupts her sense of security, but also inspires her to explore her own adventures.  My eccentricity and exhibitionism can be a little unnerving, but reminds her that she also wants to share her idiosyncratic visions with the world.  My independence and self-sufficiency can seem rejecting and distant, but shows her that she too wants, and needs, time alone nurturing her passions and skills.  My reliance on thinking and criticality can come across as lofty and detached, but reflects another source of knowledge other than her deeply intuitive emotions.

The Dark of Love

It seems that our partner will, inevitably, embody some of the deepest-darkest aspects of our own fantasies and fears.  By some cunning magic, our partners will hold aspects of our shadow.  It is as if we are trying to reconcile something within us, but in the seemingly safer, more distant, space of the without.  Perhaps that is true of all our endeavours.  Within is too close. 

But the problem is, marriage is even closer.  That’s the genius of the trick we call ‘falling in love’.  And like The Fall itself, in the Genesis creation myth, the trick is a necessary plot twist in our journey towards wholeness, healing, and growth.  Such a shame that the serpent in the Genesis story gets labelled Satan by the disciples of St Augustine, ignoring the fact that the ancients viewed such sneaky, skin-shedding wonders as symbols of wisdom (even Christ told us to ‘Be as wise as serpents’).  It makes sense.  They have a cunning knack for transformation:  for dying to the old and rising to the new. 

So... if we can see The Fall as a key element of the dark side of love, rather than an evil Satan, we can start to trust The Full Story rather than wage war on Wisdom herself.  You see, The Full Story is one of Wholeness.  Not Goodness.  Therefore, we must Face Vadar. (I grew up on Star Wars).  In Jungian terms:  we must face Our Shadow; those deeply distressing and disturbing aspects of ourselves that we have rejected and repressed; banished to the underworld of our own unconscious minds.  No doubt, there would have been excellent reasons for such a banishment.  Clever, logical, unconscious, calculations of a child trying to survive the perilous business of a family! 

Of course, it is difficult to see one’s own Shadow.  That’s the thing about the unconscious, it’s, well, unconscious.  But it’s always there.  Indeed, it’s running the show.  It’s there in everything we hate in our partner.  Hate is a strong word, perhaps, irritation, resentment, or judgment is better.  Although hate is very much there if we dare to take a long, loving, look at ourselves.  For me, it is outbursts of dependency, anger, and sadness that awaken the Shadow within.  Why?  Well, for various reasons, I had to reject those aspects of my personality to flourish in my little garden.  And I grew into a very polite and positive ‘happy little chappy.’  Dependency, anger, and sadness equal anxiety, bother, and trouble.  They just didn’t work for my particular role.  And so, I banished such dangerous darkness. And, of course, I have sought out these opposites in my partner, because everything is seeking wholeness, redemption, and reconciliation.  That’s the story we are in.  My wife, is miraculously comfortable with dependency, anger, and sadness (which makes her a wonderful artist, lover, friend, and mother to our children).  A perfect match for me too.  I get rewarded for being independent, peaceful, and optimistic.  And my wife gets rewarded for being the opposite.  Both playing our well-rehearsed roles of childhood to perfection.

The Problem Is:  your Shadow gets triggered and activated by your partner.  In our ‘dance’ (sorry, we watch a lot of Couple’s Therapy on BBC iPlayer – on repeat!) expressions of dependency, anger, and sadness are deeply threatening and disturbing to me, because the uncomfortable truth is:  I am a repressed dependent, angry, and sad person.   So, when I get ‘triggered’, I want to retreat, and demand much more independency, peace, and positivity from my partner.  But this, of course, is highly triggering for her: a repressed independent person. 

But we didn’t realise this.  We were unaware – both about ourselves and about each other.  And so, we thought, the problem resided in the other.  I thought she was too needy, and she thought I was too cold.  But the problem is the solution:  what we wish to reject in the other is what we need to redeem within ourselves.  And in this light, the Other is not the enemy, but the redeemer.  The Teacher.  The Healer.

So, my task is to practice sitting with feelings of dependency, anger, and sadness.  I must remember that I am not a child, and she is not my parent.  I must learn to sit with these feelings.  Trust them.  Integrate them.  Not blame my partner for that which I deny and reject in myself.  And so, my wife’s comfort with dependency, anger, and sadness is now a powerful source of healing, redemption, and love, despite sometimes feeling like threats, irritations, or defects. 

So... in Star Wars terms:  IT’S A TRAP, as Admiral Akbar famously shouted in The Return of The Jedi.  But it’s not The Light Side versus The Dark Side; both our light and our dark will entrap us.  Both will feel like attacks at some stage.  Both will ask us to dig deep.  But both will show us what we need to face, and what we need to do – how to grow towards wholeness, wisdom, and meaning.  And then, like the Psalmist, we too can sing that ‘Light and Darkness are the same to you.’ 

We will enter the kingdom within.  Full of grace.  Full of space.  Many rooms.  Gardens galore.  Serpents and all.

*A Little Philosophy of Marriage

A marriage is either A Spiritual Practice or A Masochistic Cult.  Yoga or The Church of Scientology.  In reality, a mixture of the two, but hopefully moving towards the flows and flourishing of the former.

The Cult of Marriage offers many clear roles and rules - each highly seductive in their own sweet way – Tailor Made for Your Own Shadows!  For example, such a cult might offer a perfect partnership for those who seek control (with all the power and security which that promises) and those who long to escape their freedom (and with it, their anxiety-of-choice and guilt-of-responsibility).  And, like many successful cults, such marriages can work till death do us part.  Indeed, such zealous sects would rather sacrifice its members on the altar of martyrdom than betray its allegiance to the cultic laws and practices.  Especially when both have sacrificed so much, either as the victim or the perpetrator.  Too much blood has been spilt to call it A Terrible Mistake.  Let the war roll on.  Keep fighting!  And I think it is important to mention at this point, that there are, of course, many good reasons to call it a day, cut one’s losses, and RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

The Yoga of Marriage is more precarious and demanding.  (Yoga, incidentally, is a Sanskrit word meaning ‘Union’ or ‘Communion’.)  It requires flexibility, awareness, and presence.  It’s a sacramental stretch that unites the mind, body, and soul.  It is a lot more daring, daunting, and dancey than The Cult of Marriage.  It demands balance, rhythm, and the constant breath of new life.  It takes time and devotion.  And, of course, it comes with its own risks, pains, and injuries (like anything worth its salt).  But it's the right kind of pain, if you know what I mean.  Growing pain, not poison pain.  Life, it seems, is often a choice between different types of pain!

But I can testify, after nearly nineteen years of practicing The Yoga of Marriage that nothing will bring more insight, healing, and wholeness.

** A Little Marriage Blessing

May you have the courage to receive the light of love

May you have the insight to perceive the dark of love

May you know it all as love

All of it

The All-ness of it All

You are The Lover

You are The Loving

You are The Beloved

Amen