The Astonishment of Dismay
Christ: The Gospel of Thomas
“The one who seeks should not cease seeking until he finds.
And when he finds, he will be dismayed.
And when he is dismayed, he will be astonished.
And he will be king over the All.”
I am a recovering Charismatic Christian whose addiction to being slayed in The Spirit got a little out of hand – one carpet burn away from being sent away to rehab! I was a ceaseless seeker of religious experiences, exorcisms, healings, prophecies, and ecstatic forms of worship. I even dabbled in flags, ribbons, and liturgical dance. It got so bad, that I stopped going to lectures and nearly dropped out of university - too many all-nighters and 24-hour prayer binges. I even carried a massive cross around Edinburgh for three days! A proper Jesus Junkie. And I am largely grateful for these times – I have met some truly wonderful people, had some wild trips, and many cathartic crying sessions. You really must try it!
As with all addictions, if you really commit, and ceaselessly seek, you will find dismay. I think this is why the father in Christ’s Parable of The Prodigal Son (in The Gospel of Luke) has no qualms about giving his beloved son his inheritance, despite the deeply offensive, disrespectful, and humiliating nature of such a request (in those times, it was equivalent to wishing your parent dead). Perhaps the father knew he would spend it all on prostitutes, booze, and parties – a sure way to the dismay, and therefore, a really good chance of coming to the astonishing realisation that what we truly desire, want, and need, isn’t out there. It’s here. It’s now. Or, as T. S. Elliot puts it in his wonderful Four Quartets:
‘We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.’
Sadly, the older brother in the parable is prevented from the dismay that leads to astonishment; self-righteousness, morality, and childhood-roles can bring such a strong sense of security, stability, and strength that they thwart ceaseless exploration (spare a prayer for all the favourite children, obedient ones, and goody-two-shoes). Interestingly, Jesus leaves the older brother’s story arc unresolved. We don’t find out whether the older brother joins the party within. He is left outside. Hopefully, at some point, he experiences some dismay. Perhaps that’s why Jesus was so critical of religious legalism, public displays of prayer, and purity codes. May be such addictions are just too intoxicating, rewarding, and blinding – not much scope for dismay.
So, whatever your addictions… drinking, smoking, planning, fantasising, controlling-everyone-ing, saving, spending, eating, gambling, gaming, exercising, cleaning, working, bitching, moralising, organising, people-pleasing… do not cease! Keep seeking. Don’t settle for being a functioning addict. Keep digging until you hit the dismay that is found when we dare to see, that what we are truly looking for, isn’t out there. We can’t find peace, security, love, connection, joy, forgiveness, adventure, imagination, order, power, belonging, freedom, solitude, and meaning in our addictions.
Astonishingly, we seek what we already have. Or… tat tvam asi, as the famous Sanskrit expression goes, meaning, ‘thou art that’… or… ‘The Kingdom is Within’, as Christ puts it… or.. we are what we are looking for. We just need to return to that still, small, state-of-being beyond all the distortions, socialisations, manipulations, and indoctrinations that mess with our minds, bodies, and souls – and return to being held in that palatial gracious space within where we can breathe, receive, and repeat like a new born baby. As Christ says, at another point in The Gospel of Thomas, when he saw tiny infants being breastfed:
“These little ones being suckled are like those who enter the kingdom.”
So, let us keep sucking at life (in all senses of the word!) - sucking on those Cuban cigars, Pina Coladas, and Charismatic Power Chords... or whatever gets you going!
But, when we do, let us remember, that we really don’t need to! (and everything tastes better when we don’t have to pay - or is that just the Yorkshire seeping into my spirit?). We are already free. We are already loved. We are already enough. We are already held. We are already forgiven. We are already home. We are already All.
Astonishing.